Whatever it was, it was always a share bag and not good for my body or mind. To counteract the less proactive day, I'd find myself working late into the night (when I should have been recharging), likely surrounded by crisp packets. Obviously, this meant I'd eventually get to bed well into the early hours, with a poor sleep because my body is trying to handle the rubbish it had just consumed, under the foolish assumption it would make me feel better. Body clock would wake me at regular running time (4.45am), which I wouldn't get up and do (after a mix of poor sleep and poor fuel the night before) and the cycle would start again.
With a general lack of pride in myself, home living became more difficult. Simple tasks such as doing my laundry and the washing up weren't completed, which meant I started to live in a space that was just as messy as my negative mindset. Stepping around piles of clothes and looking at an ever increasing stack of dirty kitchen bits were constant reminders of the failures I was quickly notching up, neatly adding to the exercise I wasn't doing and the to-do list I wasn't ticking off.
With the poor food and no exercise came physical changes. Now, there's a chance that these were concocted in my imagination as a way to feel worse, but they were there nevertheless. Fatigue and poor skin made self-confidence decrease to an all-time-low. There were also emotional changes as I found myself being over-sensitive, self-doubting and introvert. Personally and professionally, I was static.
Sinking. A feeling of worthlessness set in.
What was I playing at?
I've worked tirelessly to get where I am professionally. Why am I dragging myself down?
I've worked tirelessly to get where I am personally. Why am I suddenly choosing to believe that I'm not good enough?
I've worked tirelessly to get where I am physically. Why am I now consciously making poor choices to undo my hard work?
I've worked tirelessly to get where I am mentally. Why am I self-sabotaging, choosing weakness over strength?
Tuesday morning hit and I knew I needed to make a change. It wasn't a 5K. Just a walk - 2 laps - around the park. I posted to my Twitter. It's always been a great tool to hold me accountable. I spoke to special colleagues, friends and family; such a fantastic resource that I'm lucky to have. We are most definitely on the up.
For those that saved me, thank you so much. You'll never know what you've done for me. Regular service will resume shortly.